I recently downloaded and am using Aaptiv – an app that provides tracking, encouragement and ideas for making exercise a habit. I’m loving it and especially enjoying the guided exercises and meditations from one of the Aaptiv coaches, Ceasar.
This morning I chose a walking meditation, led by Ceasar, called Walking Relief and focused on stress reduction. Ceasar’s style this morning was more like a chat than a meditation with some energetic encouragement about walking with good form, a bit of empathy for the stress we all experience and an introduction of breathing techniques we could use when in the thick of it.
During our walk, he mentioned that a lot of people had written in asking for tips on how to stay calm and not react when faced with a stressful situation. It seemed that more often than not the request was for help dealing with the stress reaction caused by another person – family member, partner, colleague, etc.
Just Breathe
Ceasar’s suggestion for these moments was to employ the breathing techniques. I’ll share them here as they are both good ones and very useful for meditation and relaxation:
Cooling Breath – Shape your lips as if you were sipping from a straw and draw in a breath for 5 beats. It should feel cool and sharp over your tongue. Hold it at the top for 3 beats and exhale for 8.
Alternating Nostril Breath – This is a breathing technique I’ve seen used in yoga classes and it usually involves pressing the left nostril closed gently while inhaling through the right one and then pressing the right nostril closed and exhaling through the left one. In this case, he led us through the technique by just imagining the air passing in through one and out through the other (Look, Ma! No hands!). This took a good deal of concentration and definitely served to keep my mind occupied.
Each technique can serve really well for de-stressing. The first would definitely seem appropriate for avoiding a sharp reaction to a stressor. The alternate nostril breath on the other hand I have to say I’m not totally sold on. Since it would seem awkward to either start pressing alternately on your nose or to suddenly go still and somewhat cross-eyed attempting to imagine the alternation of nostril breaths in the heat of the moment. Further, for those of you in colder climates, imagine walking at a good clip, in New England, in February, for about 20 minutes when you’re asked to breathe only through your nose and one nostril at a time. Those of you in warmer climes may not be aware that the only thing we New Englanders are doing with our nose while walking briskly in the cold winter air is dabbing it with a Kleenex.
Anyhoo.
Maybe Try This Too
The breathing is a great start. But I’m concerned that when we are facing a stressful colleague, a sharp rebuke or an unhappy surprise and we want to prevent ourselves from freaking out (I mean “reacting”), that breathing is just not gonna cut it alone. Therefore, I have two additional suggestions:
Diffuse the trigger
When in the heat of the moment you may have a friend, colleague or partner blaming you or interrupting you or walking off in a huff before the conversation is over. But instead of taking those actions personally and at face value, remind yourself that – as Helle Bundgaard writes in her book The Motivated Brain – our behaviors are a strategy for getting our needs met. What this means is that when someone is blaming you, they may want to feel better about their own part in the problem. When someone interrupts, they may need to be heard. When someone walks off in a huff they may need to regain some sense of control. Now I’m not saying these behaviors are right. I’m just saying that they are less about you and much much much more likely to be about them. Remember this, use the Cooling Breath technique and let tempers cool along with you.
Choose yourself
As we just noted, some of these behaviors are not awesome and not ok. Remember you always have choice regarding how, where and with whom you spend your time. In these moments or shortly after they happen, step back and take an inventory – what do you expect should be happening? How is this situation impacting you? And then ask yourself, what do you want instead? Is it to feel confident in your contribution? Is it to feel respected and valued? Is it to achieve some peace of mind? Brainstorm ways you could accomplish those end goals. Choose the healthy and growth-oriented path. Get help if you need it. But always, choose yourself.
Stress and triggers will always be a part of life. When we practice self-care and assertive communication and when we remind ourselves to let go of others’ hang ups and focus on our own needs – remarkably, we – and those we love the most – start to grow and flourish beyond that stress and rise above those triggers. Not all the time. But more of the time.
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